At a junction, the envelope has the route.

20.06.2010

Today the day started early at 6:30 a.m. as I have to go for CHYK class at 8 a.m. at Malleswaram. I reached on time and in few minutes others arrived too. The class begun with Meghasutram chanting and with chapter 21 (The Path of Divinity) of Kindle Life by Swami Chinmayananda. The discussion was around body, mind, intellect and consciousness. It was discussed that the experiencer will always be subtler than experienced. Like for eg, the eyes see the book and the mind see the eye because the eye is subtler than the book and mind is subtler to eye. Also, the flow of thoughts is called mind but the one which discriminates thoughts is called intellect and the one which observe intellect is consciousness. Confusing isn't it? To me too until I asked my teacher who explained me in clear terms.

During the class it was decided that senior CHYK members will take up Foundation Vedanta Course from coming July '10. I am in for it and also excited. After the class we continued with discussion around how to expand CHYK community and what activities should we plan for coming year. I was dozing most of the time due to lack of proper sleep last night.

Padma and Deepak came to meet Amma after their wedding. It was nice to see them together after long time. I was trying to catch up with my skit team to get their feedback but none got time to look through it. I hope by the end of this week we make a good progress and on next weekend we have substantial material to start our practice with.

After the class I was offered sponsored movie by Padma which she got from her dear bank. I had the option of going home or go with Deepak for Ravaan Movie. After lot of tussle in mind (arsing our of my  unaccomplished TO DO LIST) but later decided to damn the list and go ahead with the movie as I thought its OK to bunk sometimes. We reached INOX in time, got the tickets and redeemed our food coupons with popcorn and cold drinks. The movie started with lot of fanfare. Halfway through I was wondering what a nonsense I am witnessing with no substantial story behind it. Deepak felt the same. Post interval, the movie started picking up the interest and intensity. Overall I liked the movie as it was well made and good cinematography. Attention to details was too good. We left theater satisfied with the time well spent.

We marched towards Malleswarm to pick up my cycle. On the way I was praying what if I could go for MLTR concert which was starting at 7:30p.m. and I had 15 mins in hand after reaching Malleswararm. I decided to go for Concert with the reasoning "I you dont go for your fav bands then for what will you go?". After reaching the venue I parked my bicycle with parking fee of Rs. 10/- and headed to counter to get pass for Rs. 600. I did not mind spending that because I felt it way to express my solidarity like other sas noble fans of MLTR. This was my first visit to any Music Concert and hence I was not aware of the format of such programs. The program kicked off ten minutes late and few people came in to play. I was trying very hard to match up the faces in the poster with the ones on stage. At one point I almost felt, "I guess hearing their music on music system is lot better than coming here as it didin't sound as great as I expected". The show got over after an hour and I murmured, "That's it. This is all I get for 600 bucks.Common man". I asked someone standing nearby if the show got over and to my surprise he enlightened me  that original band is yet to come. I heaved a sign of relief and waited for MLTR. During the wait, I looked around. The crowd was hep and young. Lovers were swinging in each other arms and some were sitting on floor due to long wait. After doing my round of viewing I just sat thinking nothing but looking at a lady who was jubilant and thumping with joy. Long wait over and the band finally took over the stage. They played their first music and I was sure it was worth all my efforts to come here. I was having wonderful time as I knew the lyrics of lot of songs and was singing with the band and swinging and dancing. The sandal and bagpack did not hinder to the my pursuit of joy in the moment.I was living in the present.

After the concert got over, took my bicycle and rode back home and the first thing I did was post a status message on FB.

" MLTR Concert was amazing. I lost 2 KGs :P with all the jumping around. Also, saw Ravaan and it is a really good movie. Amazing cinematography and attention to details. I now understands what world call Mani Rathnam. Movie courtesy Padma :) "

After doing some mindless surfing I remembered of my CMI results that were due that day. I logged on to the website and my heart started pumping harder when I found the results being declared. I did not open the link to result. I was scared and prayed sincerely time after a long time "God, Please do justice to me this time as  this result is very important to me." It can possibly change my life and fulfill my dream of pursing masters and PhD and taking up academic as career but if I don't then I plan to bury my postgraduate plan deep in the ground and start with something new as I am tired of all the continuous failures and looks like I am pursuing something which I am not very interested in. By spending my three years on various exam preparation, I was not able to concentrate on my job as a result I am not able to develop myself as a confident professional in my domain. I remember taking off from office for a month for CMI exam but not actually making the full  use of it as most of the time I was haunted by my failures and dim prospect in future. It  was surlely not thebest thing to think about but sitting all alone at room the mind use to find its way out. Looking at the link which is waiting to be opened I am thinking of what could be behind it and where will I be in the next moment.Giving rest to all my million thoughts I now open the link and the result is

Following students have been selected for MSc CS:-

C-5010  Biswaroop Maiti
C-5011  G. Vignesh
C-5031  Ramanathan Thinniyam Srinivasan
C-5049  Pranabendu Misra
C-5067  Sandipan Bhattacharyya
C-5084  Nikhil Balaji
C-5127  Gautham Shenoy R
C-5221  Aniket Basu Roy
C-5370  Abhishek Bhrushundi
C-5430  Nitin Saurabh

I couldnt see my name hence I was trying to argue if Abhishek/Aniket acutally refers to me but the surnames give way. I did not get through and later found out that neither did Mrinal. This result was very important to both of us and our career. Not able to get through will open up another million questions/doubts and despair to deal in coming days. I need to decide fast as I realized that it is important to have something to look forward to to keep me going else it looks like a dead end and instill fear and anger.

God, give me strength.

Amit